Saturday 3rd August 2013
I’d just finished reading Malidoma Patrice Some’s book Of Water and the Spirit and was so envious that he knew what his life purpose was so early in life that I decided to do a journey to try and find mine. I’ve been asking since January to be helped to remember what it is.
I set the intention three times – ‘my intention is to journey to the lower world to meet my animal guides and to ask them to show me my life purpose.’
I felt very apprehensive as I walked to my usual axis mundi, and the journey down the roots of the tree was slow and laborious.
Both the eagle and the jaguar were waiting for me. They bowed to me as before and I told them why I’d come. I began to gibber away about what I’d been told before about being a high priestess in Egypt, about being a writer, a healer and a shaman. I rattled on for ages while they patiently listened and didn’t interrupt.
‘So can you tell me,’ I ended.
‘You said you wanted to be shown,’ jaguar reminded me.
They both looked kindly at me, before eagle flew off.
‘Where’s she going?’ I asked jaguar.
‘To keep watch,’ he replied and indicated to me to follow him.
I was expecting something akin to what I’d been reading in Malidoma’s book – some kind of initiation. We walked through a clearing, through a forest and past the mouth of a cave. All these things are in Of Water and the Spirit.
Each time I thought the jaguar was going to show me something, but he just kept on walking till we came to another much bigger clearing.
It took me a while to work out that we was standing in the middle of a massive heart. Gradually the outside of the heart filled with men of all different shapes, sizes and ages. Although of different races they were predominantly black.
‘You are to heal men my opening your heart to them,’ the jaguar said.
I wanted to scream ‘NO! NOT THAT! THAT’S TOO PAINFUL!’ I looked around at all the men and began to cry. I wasn’t just crying in the journey, I was also crying into my blindfold. I felt as if my own heart was breaking.
All I could think of was that it would mean no happiness for me – men constantly coming and going in my life. The jaguar tried to reassure me that all would be fine.
‘But what about the women?’ I asked, ‘Don’t the women need healing too?’
‘When the men are healed, the women will be healed too,’ he carried on in his soothing way. ‘The women are strong but they look to the men for leadership, they look to the men for love. The men need to heal. It’s why you came.’
All I kept thinking was, ‘what about my own happiness,’ while the jaguar went on about the importance of the men healing.
Then all the men disappeared and were replaced by prepubescent boys. My heart went out to them and I sobbed (I must find a less clichéd word) literally and figuratively. Then they were replaced by the men, then the boys. They kept interchanging.
‘How am I going to do this?’ I asked the jaguar.
‘That’s for another journey;’ he answered softly, ‘this one was about your purpose.’
‘Where’s the eagle?’ I enquired.
‘She’s gone to check out the way,’ he said before the call-back tempo made me realise how quickly 30 minutes had passed.
I was still crying when I returned, with a heaviness that made it difficult to move. It wasn’t really what I’d wanted to hear or to see. It felt (feels) like too much at too big a personal cost.